New found freedom

Living in Brooklyn and home schooling meant that the kids were with me all the time, literally almost 24/7. While exhausting, I was happy with the arrangement until recently- which is a big part of what prompted our move. The kids, Ishaan in particular, need space from me as much as I need space from them. As "free range" as I would like to believe I am, it was just not possible for me to let Ishaan go out by himself in Brooklyn. Even if I did, there would be no other kids out by themselves to play with. Since Ishaan wasn't in school, I was with him or at least hovering nearby at all times. I saw and heard everything and came to realize that I neither wanted to nor needed to see and hear everything. When I was 7, I was off outside playing with my friends all afternoon- making up games, being silly, yelling, getting into mischief, telling secrets, and being annoying- all things that seven year olds should be doing.

A couple of weeks ago, on an unseasonably warm February afternoon, the neighbor kids were outside playing tag football- a game that Ishaan has never seen or played. I suggested that he go out and introduce himself and ask if he could join in. He ran outside and I held my breath. I was so proud of his courage yet so terrified that he would get his feelings hurt. I kept looking out the window, trying to asess the situation and make sure they were being nice and not making fun of him because he can't throw or catch a football and has no idea what the rules of the game are. Finally I couldn't stand it anymore and I went outside. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself. I just went out to "check" on him and of course everything was fine. They were all being wonderful and encouraging him and teaching him how to play. I realized that all those fears were my own and that in my desire to protect him I was projecting my own anxiety and insecurities onto him. After a couple of hours he came rushing inside flushed and excited. "they told me I was the best player on the team!" he cried. Now Ishaan is part of the pack of neighborhood kids- racing up and down the dead end street on bikes, playing basketball in someone's driveway, jumping on the neighbor's trampoline- happy, full of energy, and confident in himself and his new found sense of freedom.